How to move on after heartache
4:28pm Thursday 1st May 2008
One of the hardest things to conquer for pretty much everyone is how to move on from a broken relationship. It doesn't matter if you have been dating for six months, or living together for 6 years there is always an element of heartache, even if you are the one instigating the split.
I have seen the most hardened businessmen and women broken from a failed romance and it is so very difficult to focus on anything else.
We could have the best friends in the world, a demanding job, the most supportive family, but if you are sad about a recent split it can be all consuming. Friends helpfully try and match us up with new people, but this rarely helps in the early stages and can be compared with buying a child a new kitten if the first one dies!
We all go through a disastrous relationship at some stage in our lives, or a fabulous relationship with an awful break-up. The worst kind of split is the one where one partner feels there is a chance of reconciliation and the other is a little ambiguous about their feelings. Usually the things that go wrong in a relationship, such as lack of communication are the things that can prolong a painful split.
It is enlightening to know that probably the most heart-wrenching part of the split is the period leading up to it, when it is all done and dusted it is usually much more manageable. A good book to read if you are in this predicament is 'Feel the fear and do it anyway' by Susan Jeffers. It is inspiring. I can say from experience a corner is definitely turned once we take control. It is better to instigate a split if you feel it is being engineered by your partner - this is actually not unusual.
It is important not to dwell on all the negatives about our ex's too. Don't play the victim or you will become one.
Some practical advice when you do make the move to part is to give yourself deadlines before you communicate again. Tell yourself you won't call or communicate with your ex for three days. It gives you something to look forward to, a kind of reward. Often once the three days is up it gives you added strength so you can extend your ban' and, to be honest, distance is usually the best route if there is any chance of getting back together, and actually also to help you move on.
Often the main thing that breaks up a couple is resentment, it clouds your judgment and overrides all the positive things about the relationship so much that the main focus can become pinned on something relatively small, and this messes up the whole ambiance. Resentment is very harmful. I always suggest becoming more proactive with their dating but only if it is with the soul purpose of tidying your cluttered mind, as opposed to actually really looking for a new romancing the early stages.
Best to get yourself back on track before rushing into anything new...have a bit of fun. Always best to make a huge effort with your appearance too, but purely for your self esteem, as additional attention from the opposite sex always gees us up!
Lorraine Adams is a leading dating expert, dubbed "the Simon Cowell of dating" for her no-nonsense approach. She runs the dating service www.gorgeousnetworks.com, new spontaneous dating bulletin board www.topdreamdates.com and appears regularly on TV and in the media, giving advice to the UK's singles.