NEWS has just reached me that the European Court is demanding the name of West Wycombe's famous Hell-Fire Caves be changed.

The court has ruled this misleads the public who will think Satan is responsible for the tourist attraction rather than the nice old Dashwood family.

Eurocrats believe coachloads of duped sightseers will turn up to the quaint Bucks village in the mistaken belief that Lucifer will be their tour guide. Therefore, the name dating back to the 1700s has to be altered to save the public before it's too late.

Okay, I made up all that load of nonsense. None of it's true yet.

But nothing would surprise me these days about the daft proclamations coming from Euroland. Take this week's revelations that Asda have been banned from using the name Parma Ham unless the meat is specifically sliced in Italy.

Wycombe MP Paul Goodman has labelled this bonkers and he's quite right. Parma Ham denotes a type of food and no one I've ever known has expected it to be literally made in the city of its name.

It's the same as telling your local curry house that it can't serve you madras unless the dish has actually been flown in from India.

And I'd hate to be the one to tell the Chinese takeaway that Peking duck is off the menu unless it's been imported directly from the Far East and renamed Beijing Drake.

This all leads me to conclude that we do not need a referendum over joining the European single currency. Blair, Brown and co just need to say "no" right now and put an end to it.

Britain is fine in a loose trading partnership with the continent, but most of the rest of Europe does not understand our culture and does not like it. We have little in common with these other countries, and have far more of a bond with our cousins in the USA.

We do not wish our sovereignty to be taken away, especially when this strips us of the right to even call our ham by its proper name.

But if we're being petty, can someone tell the the Belgians that they have to find another name for Brussels.

For surely the European Court will fear the public will be misled by a city with the same title as a vegetable.