“Millions of deaths would not have happened if it weren’t for the consumption of alcohol. The same can be said about millions of births.”

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Imagine you were a wine lover and you just found out that your mum had played an away match with Jeff Bezos and you were about to come into millions in owed child support; what would you drink this Christmas? Yeah, this is a fantasy column but so what, we’ve been living some sort of alternate reality since March anyway!

I like a white to start Christmas lunch and while my preference would be a sauvignon, I could be tempted with daddy Jeff's cash to plump for a nice Batard Montrachet from Burgundy. I'd go for one about five years old with a nice yellow colour and a nose like hot buttered crumpets. That's always a good way to burn a hole in a hundred or so, but I might also have to have a bottle of Didier Dagenau Sauvignon from the wild man of the Loire on hand as a top-up. Dagenau produce the most intense, eye popping sauvignons in the world. Sorry New Zealand, but you were okay when I was poor and pretending to be rich but now...

The main course would have to be paired with a decent first growth, perhaps Chateau Lafite 1986 or Mouton 1990 (but Opus One), but I'd always have a bottle of Mount Edelstone Shiraz from Australia on hand just in case a younger relative turned up on the day. What do you think so far? I reckon we've blown about a grand of Amazon's profits so far but hey, what the heck, let's get those warehouse staff working harder because we’ve got expectations now.

I always like a Port for Christmas afternoon but now I'm a Bezos, I think I'd add a really old Madeira as well and perhaps even a rare cognac to close the day off. The port would have to be Quinta Noval Nacionale, which is just sublime. I got a measly 2cl tasting sample several years ago but the memory of that caramel like liquid has lasted 20 years. I was supposed to spit out at that tasting by the way, but there was no chance with that one!

As for Madeira, well, where do I start? Let's face it, when you have limitless amounts of cash and your drink of choice is basically immortal, you’ve got to go for the oldest you can find. I recently saw some of Napoleon's stash of Madeira from his time in exile on St Helena so that would be my starting point. I drank a bottle of 1862 Boal last year and it was sublime, but how hedonistic would it be to party over Napoleon's last few bottles? Vive la France! Vive l'Empereur! Vive Bezos!

The Pastors Blend, Cab Merlot, SA

Rich autumn fruits with soft tannins and a lovely smoky edge to the palate. Gorgeous for the price and another winner for Tanners

Tanners £11.50

East London and West Essex Guardian Series: Bread and Butter CabernetBread and Butter Cabernet

Bread and Butter Cabernet, USA

A soft, ripe blackcurrant and vanilla stunner. All you need with this one is a good book and a log fire, folks.

Majestic £15.99 or £11.99 mix six