When folk get wind I write these weekly columns, their first question before “How much do you get paid?” is “What do you write about?”
My answer of “whatever comes to mind” then leads into me glorifying my content by stating “politics or popular culture,” with my generally failing to disclose topics such as this week’s: Inappropriate Bond.
I have given this less-than-ground-breaking topic far too much thought in recent days, but I feel proud that my due diligence has resulted in a shortlist:
Firstly, Alan Carr. The imagery of him standing on top of a train making that peculiar ‘oooh….owww’ noise he seems to emit as he tries and fails to pull a weapon out of his holster would be comical but very unBondesqe yet.
But then I started to think of the physical attributes required to pull off Bond (excuse the double entendre).
Sadly for Craig, he never seems to get out of character: Only recently, I recalled seeing him attend Wimbledon in a Bondesque suit and shades, unsmiling, as he smouldered across Centre Court.
I looked therefore at the opposite of that - the fat bloke with giveaway tells! For some reason, Johnny Vegas came to mind as did James Corden. Both can act, which is a boon.
Still, arguably they would both struggle with anything more strenuous than sitting up from inert and I’m not sure how Corden would cope on his own in an Aston Martin without the increasingly irritating company of a carpool karaoke co-star.
Bond, the UK’s most prolific murderer, with a confirmed 1,299 kills, is a man who creates havoc everywhere he goes.
But the most inappropriate, and bear in mind I have given this a LOT of thought, must be ‘Biggins’.
It's rare that a celebrity is known by one name like Ronaldo or Cher, but Biggins has cracked it. “Biggins, double ‘O’ Biggins” does have a ring to it, as he disarms his foe with his booming laugh before sitting on them as his weapon of choice.
Yes, he is the most inappropriate choice and all he needs to do now is work on the smoulder and the waistline, before he steps out as the national institution, with his licence to thrill.
- Brett Ellis is a teacher.
