Brett Ellis looks back at his recent flight abroad alone

I got to wondering why we all play along with this folly, although I understand it is a legal requirement to do so, as the chief stewardess, in broken English, explains why the flight is late as ‘we’ didn’t get boarded in time and how we should take off within the next 30 minutes (one hour).

Baggage is safely placed under the seats as per the request, as if a crash in excess of 500mph is going to be detrimentally affected by a less than secure Karrimor backpack.

The plastic trays are also stored; to prevent a cut should you face plant it during a disaster before the stewardesses proceed with showing you how to calmly install an oxygen mask in slow motion which would not be the case as you overcome the screams should Armageddon strike.

Brett Ellis recently travelled abroad on his own The pictures of happy smiling faces always amuse as I am sure that an orderly queue would be obtained before you calmly slide down into the freezing Atlantic Ocean miles from nowhere and with little hope of being found, and that’s if the plane manages to successfully land on water.

Commercial airliners do not float, which is not a fact generally discussed with the punters and, despite the very rare occurrence where successful water landings are made (see Sully, 2016) the chances of success come down to the speed of the plane and pilot skill, but suffice to say if you crash into the ocean in excess of 500mph, your chances of survival are little more than 0% if your lucky.

It’s all pretty depressing as is the school of thought as to why the brace position is advised - some believe it is because it snaps the neck quicker and thus puts you out of your misery early doors.

All in all the entire process undertaken by the airline is depressing and ultimately a waste of time, unless you are lucky enough to land with, say, a engine fire in the vicinity, where the process may well work as intended.

Yes, the whole experience, especially UK side, is miserable (it always seems more seamless coming back?) exacerbated only by the doomsday scenario that awaits you should the plane plunge into the icy depths of the ocean with directives as to putting your bag and tray upright akin to trying to fight a crocodile with a McDonalds straw as a sword.

As for me, that’s it for a while and I will instead be ‘staycationing’ for the foreseeable future instead, enduring such lame motorway sign directives as ‘don’t drink and drive’ and ‘watch your speed’ as I attempt to not down a crate of stella and drive at 150mph to Cornwall to avoid the collective madness of the UK aviation industry.

• Brett Ellis is a teacher.