Contrary to public opinion, Thomas Crapper did not invent the toilet.
He did however open the world’s first bath, toilet and sink showroom in 1850 and lent his name to the origins of taking a ‘crap’.
So why start a column with this titbit of trivia? Well, I recently wrote a column about awards and was struck, not literally, by the loo of the year award (note: there is a rival ‘toilet of the year award’).
The Livingston Centre flied the flag this year and, looking back at all of the winners since the inaugural award in 1987, I was surprised to see I had visited a few of the winners, with one used when I dropped the kids off at the pool, literally, on a visit to Peppa Pig’s Paultons Park (2021 winners).
Other winners, inextricably include the Wetherspoons pub chain.
Having undertaken the hike numerous times (why are they all a 6km round trip from the bar?), I found nothing award-worthy, in spite of the hourly ‘this toilet had been cleaned by’ Dave at 11.15am poster on the back of the door which I’m sure are pre-populated days in advance.
I remember watching Cracker and Robbie Coltrane ascertained that a man bludgeoned to death by a hammer whilst at the urinal must have had someone else in the toilet at the same time as he didn’t use the end trough (it's an animalistic thing to feel protected from one side, apparently).
It is true when visiting, us gentlemen always go for the corner. Studies have shown the first toilet is the least used and hence the most hygienic so therefore you are less likely to get ill should you use that one.
I often get angry when visiting and see the previous incumbent hasn’t flushed, but I now understand, having read that the average toilet flush handle has 40,000 germs per square inch.
Factoids aside, it is a serious business.
The British Toilet Association campaigns for better toilets through their consultancy services and are sponsored by the unfortunately named ‘Reckitt’ solutions.
And so, with the monotony of middle-aged firmly ingrained in my chi, I may delve further into this murky yet fascinating world and make it a mission to visit the 10 most recent ‘toilets of the year’ and feed back my findings, not that your interested.
Still, it will give me opportunity to flush away the hours as I continue to overcome the trauma of using the medicated Izal toilet paper which was favoured by my grandparent’s generation, and which left your under carriage looking as crimson as a low rent slaughterhouse!
- Brett Ellis is a teacher.
