Brett Ellis on phrases only found in the workplace

I could feel my hackles rise as I concentrated intently and found myself nodding like one of those dogs that you used to get on the parcel shelf of an Austin Allegro, circa 1989.

Now, as a disclaimer I am not referring to my current employ, but the words and terms mentioned in this week’s column have been used, and heard by, yours truly and, well, you’ll have to take it from me: they make me angry to the point of Michael Douglas in Falling Down in terms of fury and exasperation.

Firstly, we have a term that I have been called but thankfully have never been crass enough to use: that of the work wife or hubby.

Whilst it's true you arguably spend more time with strangers at work than you do with your spouse, it’s a bit of a stretch to refer to someone in such a way and, dare I say it, somewhat creepy?

‘Low-hanging fruit’ sends a shiver down my spine and, no doubt, this column could be described, in literary terms, as such, so best muster on and look at the creepiest Ricky Gervais-esque term of all ‘We got this!’

Brett Ellis has been looking at phrases that are only used in the workplace I used to have a boss who used this as their mantra and even accompanied it with a middle-aged dance and some soul music as we all wished we had tried harder at school. Got what exactly? The ick?

One term that did raise a smile, however, and which I have never used, but maybe should, is the outdated Allo 'Allo! classic of ‘good moaning’.

No doubt it would book a one-way ticket to HR to discuss with some Gen Xer why I was implying a colleague was moaning before I am put on an expensive course on how to ‘not cause offence’ or some other woke money-making training gibberish.

The list goes on: We can ‘synergise’ if you so fancy, or ‘downsize’ before we ‘share’ whilst using our considerable ‘leverage’.

What they all have in common, however, is the complete absence of use of such words in everyday life and, if you don’t use them in your ‘downtime’, don’t ‘hot desk’ them into work.

Still, as we continue, unabated, ensure you ‘keep me in the loop’ as there really is no ‘I in team’, and, as we put all ‘our ducks in a row’ and think of ‘dreamwork, teamwork’, we find ourselves ‘going off piste’, before we ‘move the goalposts’ and ‘reinvent the wheel’ as we reach this week’s columns ‘close of play’!

• Brett Ellis is a teacher.