Recently, I stood in the queue at one of those savers’ shops (the Lidl version of Boots), to purchase some cheap medical item that inevitably wouldn’t work and would end up going mouldy in the back of the medicine cupboard.
As I reached the till, as is common in such shops, the staff member tried to ‘upsell’ their products. ‘Can I interest you in any after shave today?’.
Her enquiry met with my rather rude (apologies, I know you’re only doing your job) response of ‘do you not think I would have put some in the basket if I’d wanted some?’ before my short thrift was met with a look of derision and my exit onto the mean streets of Hatfield.
Upon arriving home, I explained to my wife the dizzying array of celebrity inspired perfumes (now called ‘parfums’) and after shaves on offer.
There was a Michael Bublé scent and a Tyson Fury aftershave.
I asked her indoors as to who, in their right mind, would want to smell like Tyson Fury? to which she took umbrage and explained that wasn’t the point.
I asked why put a celebrity name to a scent if the scent doesn’t say something about them, such as their smell, and she wouldn’t agree that it probably honks like his underarm after a 15-round slugfest in the warm Saudi evening heat.
And then I researched: Arguably the genre was led by the Beckham chap who, hot on the heels of his Brylcreem success, has lent his name to a whole range of after shaves and deodorants which, and I talk from experience, sting like buggery when sprayed onto open pores after cleansing.
Britney has a scent, as do the Kardashians, who I’m still not sure what they do, add to that Sarah Jessica Parker whose star shone decades ago, as did Paris Hilton and JLo-s.
The curious ones however are the curveballs, which must sell, as they have been around for donkeys: Dolly Parton has a range including ‘Tennessee sunset’, ‘early morning breeze’ (which if it were mine would not smell ‘floral’) and the hastily worded ‘scent from above’ which is as cliched a perfume name as there ever has been.
The real curveball however, and there’s even a website to celebrate the range (gettrumpfragrances.com) is those of the tango-tinged Yankee doodle dandy commander in chief.
‘For patriots who never back down, this scent is your rallying cry in a bottle’, goes the blurb, as he offers up Trump ‘Victory’ for him and her, for the wallet busting price of ‘only’ 249 bucks.
It leaves me pondering, if I were famous, what my toiletry range would stand for?
Eau de Ellis: A scent as desolate as the hairs on his head, leaving a sandy, gritty aroma after a sweaty day at the chalkface. It has a ring to it, I guess!
